The M Word

I've reached the ripe old age of 26, and I've noticed that wherever I am, or whoever I'm with, the topic of marriage has come up more frequently. Friends left, right and centre are getting engaged and married, begging the inevitable question: "When is it your turn?".

Yes, the question is usually asked just to fill a gap in the awkward silence that usually accompanies being in my presence, but I have started answering it with "Why, have you got someone in mind?" (because it wouldn't hurt to make things that bit more awkward). Their answers have more or less been a no, and either way, I'm not sure I'm a fan of the 'spouse via referral' methodology. I know there are people who are living happy lives (as far as I know) with people who they've pretty much blind-dated their way into marrying, but I think it can be way too risky. When two people are talking to each other for marriage purposes, everything can be so artificial; for the short periods of time that they do meet, everyone is on their best behaviour, and there's so much chance to pretend to be someone you're not (this is also assuming your thorough 'background research' into the person, which requires some degree of trusting referees, produces no red flags). The potential to discover something unsavoury about your partner later on is too great, but I suppose this danger exists whichever road you take.

The alternative to the 'spouse via referral' method? Meeting someone out in the big bad world also does carry massive risk. In fact, this whole marriage thing, whichever way you approach it requires some dice-rolling and praying that you find someone who isn't a psychopath (and remains that way; because people do change believe it or not). Why not just avoid getting married at all you ask? As pertinent as that question is, despite me absolutely enjoying the 'freedom' I have to go out whenever I want, and spending time with friends, there are those moments alone where you think 'well, this sucks; this experience would be much more enjoyable if I shared it with someone I'm in love with', and as many of my friends are beginning to move on with their lives, I find those moments becoming more frequent. Plus, children don't just come out of thin air.

Before I continue, let's just establish one thing: human beings are not perfect, and a lot of the time, human beings suck at being decent people. The trick is to find the special ones who value other people over themselves, and then hold on to them. I think finding them requires a degree of trial and error, inevitably leading to people getting hurt, so it would probably be a good idea to have a set of criteria before continuing the search. Two issues arise here: what are one's criteria; how does one formulate these criteria? And what happens if you meet someone you really like, but they don't exactly match the criteria you have in mind?

I haven't really got exact answers for either of these questions; some people do, and good luck to them, but sometimes having a rigid list of what to look for in a person can be limiting. Having said that, apart from having a 'feeling inside' that I like someone, there are things that I probably can't compromise on.

I love Allah (swt). And even though I am continuously ungrateful for what He has given me, He has been there every step of the way on my journey. In the future, I would like to be in a position where I hate every sin that I commit, and love doing good deeds for His pleasure. I need someone who holds similar values to me in that respect; someone who can motivate me to be better.

There are obviously other things that are essential: physical attraction (defo), personality (I'm surprised at how many people overlook this quality), intelligence and the ability to hold a conversation that doesn't kill my brain cells. Someone who's kind, and can tolerate the presence of children. I think that's about it. Oh and someone who isn't tied down by pointless culture. Can't deal with that nonsense.

Yes, I realise I've just semi-compiled a list of criteria. But these are things everyone should be looking for. What we see unfortunately is human beings feeling insecure, and the second someone shows them a smidgen of attention, the 'single' label goes, and later on they find that they're with someone who they don't actually connect with.

I've been told that as long as the girl's heart is in the right place, then I should go for it, and worry about the other things later down the line. But what if she doesn't pray for example? Do I raise the issue before or after we get married, and is it fair for me to go after someone who may not necessarily do these things and then expect her to change afterwards? I have met some beautiful people whose hearts are in the right place; in fact some of the best people I know are amazing character/moral-wise, but may not fulfil certain other criteria. And conversely, I've seen people who tick all the boxes religious obligations-wise, but completely lack manners or personality. I've probably had better conversations with a box of tissues than some people to be honest (but that story is for another day).

So where do I stand? Alhamdulillah I've got more than my fair share of female attention for some reason, but how do I know who I should 'go for' and who I shouldn't, if at all? Apart from the qualities I've mentioned above, it would probably be a good idea to get my mum's input on this. The issue is that her criteria restricts my choice quite dramatically. Whilst I respect her opinion and take it on board, there are things I disagree with to some extent, but understand her reasoning for having such criteria. I've learnt that many, many females out there are a waste of the oxygen they breathe (without being judgemental or anything, but it's a fact), and having a system to sift out the best candidates from the rest would probably be a good idea. There's just an inner conflict inside me that makes me wonder if being too strict would make me ignore the real gems whilst I'm looking to get all my boxes ticked. This is assuming people would want to marry me in the first place :P

Everything is already written. Our life partners and our children have already been decreed by Allah, but the fact that we don't know who they are makes us worry. What do we have to do to find them; are we doing enough? Do I wait for a girl to express her interest in me or do I have to take the first step? Have all the 'good ones' been taken in the time it's taken me to write this blog post?

What I need to do right now is keep working on myself and my relationship with Allah, and just maybe inshaallah the right person will just pop into my eyeline when I'm least expecting it.

"...And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent." [At-Talaq: 2-3]